July 7, 2025
Far From The Tree - Autism by Andrew Solomon
Far From The Tree
I was struck by the Lehrs' early decision to help Ben but not to "fix" him. "His sister said to me, 'Do you ever wonder what it would be like if Ben were normal?" Sue said. "And I said, 'Well, I think he's normal for himself.' Have I wished that he didn't have all of his behavior problems? Absolutely. Have I wished that he had better language? Absolutely." Much of what he types is Delphic. For a while he kept typing, And you can cry. No one ever understood what he meant. Another day he typed, I want to stop those, jerky feelings, jerky hurting. I get upset, then look stupid. Bob described going to conferences and being surrounded by parents desperate for a cure "It's going to be all better next year, crap like that. We were avant-garde in saying, 'No. It's going to be better right now. Let's make it as good as possible for him."
After high school, Bob and Sue gave Ben the down payment for a house eight miles from their own. His Social Security check covered his mortgage and most of his utility bills. He earned money by making wooden tables to sell at craft fairs. Someone was with him constantly, either a trained aide or a lodger who shared the house in exchange for caretaking. Because water is Ben's passion, the Lehrs found him places to swim and bought him a hot tub. A decade later, Sue's mother died. and the Lehrs took their inheritance and went on a three-month family camping trip to Europe. "Each person in the family got to pick one thing they wanted to do," Sue said. "Ben picked swimming in every body of water he could find. So he's been in the Mediterranean, he's been in the Aegean, he's been in pools and lakes and streams. We have a picture of him in Athens, sitting on the top of a stone wall, the highest point in Athens. He's got his little drumsticks and he's tapping on the stones and he's got a look of sheer joy on his face."
When they returned from Europe, Bob was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, which had advanced considerably by the time I interviewed him for this book. For two years, Bob didn't want anyone but Sue to know, but Ben would type out, Daddy's sick. Observing that Sue was upset, he'd type, Mommy is broken. Finally, Bob sat down and explained that Ben was right, Daddy is sick, but he wasn't going to die right away. In the face of this diagnosis, the Lehrs woke up anew to the profound effect Ben had had on them. "I absolutely handled the news differently than I would have if we hadn't had Ben," Bob said. Sue said, "I think I'd learned a lot from Ben about reading people, trying to understand what they're thinking or feeling that they can't articulate. About treating someone as a human being even when his thoughts and feelings are mixed up. How do we make you feel safe, loved, okay? I learned the way it works by having Ben. And so I had it ready when Bob needed it.”
Far From The Tree by Andrew Solomon pgs. 248-249
Invitation: “…when do you feel safe and loved…”
Andrew Solomon’s startling proposition is that diversity is what unites us all. He writes about families coping with deafness, dwarfism, Down syndrome, autism, schizophrenia, multiple severe disabilities, with children who are prodigies, who are conceived in rape, who become criminals, who are transgender. While each of these characteristics is potentially isolating, the experience of difference within families is universal. In Solomon’s telling, these stories are everyone’s stories. More of Solomon’s writing on his web page.
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"When do you feel safe and loved" as inspired and informed by this family story? I feel safe and loved when I am able to be myself, tell the truth, share my feelings and I experience being understood by others I trust and respect.